Dark Souls for the Dark Soul

I’ve had a rough year, man.

I’d like to tell you about my rough year. I’d like to tell you about how it shattered me, in soul and spirit. I’d like to tell you about how this shattering led to a (self-diagnosed) state of depression, one which I vehemently kept denying to myself for months. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was because of my occupation (which involves interaction with many who suffer from mental health issues), making me falsely believe that, as a physician, I can not be vulnerable because I need to be strong for my patients. Or maybe it’s because of all of the above together, along with being a husband, father, and a son – being strong for my wife & children, and being strong for my parents, who had just lost a second child. I could not allow myself to be vulnerable, but even the strongest wall has a weakness. And I was under the illusion that I needed to be an impenetrable wall without realizing that I was lying not only to myself, but those around me as well.

I would like to tell you how this all led me to Dark Souls 3 (to be referred to as DS3). Why I decided to play DS3 after dodging it for a couple of years. Why my depression decided that this game was what was needed as part of my self therapy and reflection. How this game became a metaphorical embodiment of said depression in nearly every way – the world, the bosses, the NPCs, the game design… all of it.. How this game reminded me of the resiliency of the human spirit in dark times. How this resilience allowed me to rise to the challenge and destroy everything in my wake, to my own surprise, like a freight train. And how this freight train not only rose to the occasion by conquering every boss, but also by challenging (and conquering) my own demons.

This type of transparency is a rarity for me because, if you know me, I generally do not share or talk about my personal feelings or my mood. I do not “open up” to anyone. That would entail sharing private details, which I am sternly known for not sharing; I have always held privacy to a high regard. One of the rules I have always operated by: tell people only what they need to know, not what they want to know. This was always a double-edged sword that I was well aware of but embraced anyway – keep your guard up and your expectations low, because you will never be caught off guard or be disappointed. It’s a combination of (admitted) insecurities due to backstabbing and shitty life experiences; as I got older, I felt this robbed me of some happiness that I deserved, but I just moved forward. Outside of my wife, parents, and my late sister (more on that shortly), the amount of people whom I share private details with are less than the amount of fingers on one hand. But somehow, sharing this story feels different. My positive experience, which I felt would resonate with some in the gaming community, HAD to be put into writing; this would mean I would have to share personal details. And you know what? I am ok with that – a positive step in the right direction and a sign of healing – all thanks to my DS3 adventure.

Before I begin, some clarification: my experience and thoughts in this article are mine and mine alone. I am in no position to tell people how to feel or how to battle their own demons. My methods, self reflection, and experience are not universal nor applicable to everyone. I’m a physician – a doctor of medicine with a knowledge of mental health; I am not a mental health expert nor do I claim to be one. I wanted to document this personal and intimate experience because I feel it may resonate with some in the gaming community who may appreciate it or relate to it.

On May 19th, 2023, my older sister passed away from metastatic breast cancer at the age of 43. She was a wife, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a fellow healer, and the best example of a human being. She was recognized and applauded in the local medical community for her wonderful commitment and care to her patients and her work. She ran over 30 marathons around the world – Boston, New York, Berlin, London, you name it – and she dedicated every mile she ran to our late younger brother, Mustafa, who passed away in 2010 and, unfortunately, was never able to walk during his short but beautiful life. Her mission was called “miles for Mustafa.” She was a wonderful daughter who loved and cared for my parents daily until her last day, making sure they were never in need of anything. She loved my daughter, a child with autism, more than anything in this world. She did not have any children, but my children were treated as hers, and her commitment to their wellbeing in every facet, especially my daughter, was one I am fully unable to put into words. Describing this as love sounds rudimentary because I am sure this went far and beyond the confines of that word.

My sister was my best friend. My rock. My center of balance.

There were only three and a half years between us, but it always felt like more because she never gave me a reason in my entire life not to look up to her or at her. There was rarely a big decision that I ever made in my life that did not involve her input – not because she wanted it, but because I wanted it. Together, we shared every hurdle and every joy in life, every up and every down, and every loss and every gain. You get the point, here – my literal center.

When she passed away last year, I was in the unfortunate position of familiarity with the feeling. She is the second sibling I have lost. Because of that familiar feeling, I thought it would somehow make me stronger. “Better to grieve because of a familiar feeling instead of an unexpected one” is what I told myself. I believed this would work in my favor – be strong for my parents, for my wife, my brother-in-law, and our friends and family. This strength meant that it could help me mask that constant will-shattering feeling that was sitting on my shoulders from the minute she was gone.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, including the five stages of grief. By “grieving” the way I set out to do and for the reasons I did it, I ended up realizing with time that I actually never properly allowed myself to grieve. I was so caught up with making sure everything around me was ok that I did not take the proper time for myself to fully process this huge gap in my soul. I knew at some point it would happen, that I would have to face it and my demons head on, but I was desperate to avoid it, and that mistake was realized as the months went on.

How did I know I was depressed, and how did I come to a full realization of it after so much time? What was it this time that allowed me to be vulnerable to myself and admit that I was depressed? How did I know that I did not grieve properly? Maybe it was the random crying outbursts when I’d be sitting alone, or scrolling through our previous funny conversations through texts. Or that I took over her office building, rebranded it as a primary care clinic (she was a gastroenterologist,) and have been working in her office (which I haven’t changed a thing in) every day. There are other examples, but I realized that I was different because life was slowing down every day. I was a joyless zombie, working extra to keep my mind occupied, slowly phasing out things I love doing (specifically video games) and just going about my day with zero emotion or life. I would go home and see my wife & kids with a pretend smile because I did not want to spread whatever I had to them, who are the source of any semblance of happiness left that I had inside. Have you ever seen that commercial for a depression medication, where the actor would look depressed but would hold up a sign with a smiling face in front of her? Yeah – that was me.

But you know what it was that REALLY tipped it off to me that I was depressed, despite everything I listed above? My unusually prolonged apathy for gaming.

We all have been through what I call “gaming apathy,” which is when no video game interests you for whatever reason it may be. You take some sort of sabbatical from gaming – you start watching more movies or shows, read some books, pick up other hobbies, etc. For me, this usually happens whenever I complete a video game that speaks to my soul, with the most recent examples being Elden Ring, The Witcher 3, and Resident Evil 4 Remake. There was at least a two week period of no gaming for me after completing each one of these because I knew that whatever was out there was not going to match the godly experience I had just completed. If I am thinking about a game I am playing all day while I am at work, that’s when I know I hit the jackpot.

But we all come back, one way or another: the next big AAA game, the FOMO, the excitement on Twitter (it will be Twitter to me until I die), etc. There is always something that calls back to this hobby of ours that we love and cherish, because it is therapeutic – a short escape from life into worlds we immerse ourselves in. I’m usually back in after a couple of weeks.

Only, this time, I did not end up coming back.

I didn’t play anything epic prior. The last game I completed was Suicide Squad. I enjoyed my time with it, but it is hardly a fantastic, epic experience that would usually result with my usual breaks. I remember just not caring anymore; I did not want to play a thing. Rebirth had just released, and I was whatever about it, like everything else. There was no FOMO that would sway me this time. So I started watching a TON of television shows and movies. One week turned into two. Two weeks became a month. A month became six weeks. I lost count of how many shows I binged, but one thing was certain – I did not want to play video games, something even my wife found strange. I was well aware of how unusually long this break was, but seeing that I still did not recognize my depression (I subconsciously debated it but was in denial), it was business as usual – TV shows.

One day in a group chat with some friends (which includes my good friend Ains, the EIC of this publication), we were having a random chat about something. Ains had casually mentioned Dark Souls 3 in one of his messages. This, for some reason, lit a bulb in my brain. But before I dive into that, allow me to give you some context – Dark Souls 3, Ains, and I have a short history. Immediately after finishing Elden Ring back in 2022, which was my first FromSoftware game completed (and an incredible experience), Ains had suggested that I play Dark Souls 3 since I loved Elden Ring. At the time, I was in my usual gaming apathy stage – I had just finished ER (150 hours on one playthrough), and I was not sure whether another Souls game would elicit the same kind of response from me (or any game, for that matter). I started the game anyway, but I put it down about an hour later. All I thought about was Elden Ring while playing, and while it was (admittedly) an unfair mindset to approach the game with, I just blamed it all on my lack of interest in any games at the time. So I walked away from it, and it has been mentioned a few times in that group chat in passing.

Only, this time, I was not sure why the mention of Dark Souls 3 elicited some sort of spark in my brain. Immediately, I remembered a YouTube video I watched from several years back about how Souls games can help you with depression. I must have read and heard the terms “Souls game” or “Dark Souls” thousands of times over the years since I watched that video, but I never gave it a second thought. So why NOW did I remember it? Why did this memory suddenly interest me? And why was it at the mention of Dark Souls 3, a game I was aware was beloved but had no interest in returning to?

Seeing that I was in my gaming apathy stage, I still had no interest in starting a game. But I couldn’t shake Dark Souls 3 since that group conversation. It was gnawing at me, and I had to know why. So I started watching YouTube videos of Dark Souls 3. I wanted to see whether they would elicit anything out of me. And elicit, it did – the more I watched, the more I wanted to watch. The more I wanted to know. This desire lit a flame inside of me, and after a week of watching videos, I suddenly realized ‘holy shit, I actually WANT to play a video game. THIS video game.’

In a flash it dawned on me why this game, before even playing it and in my current mental state, was beckoning me to it. This interest made me realize & come to terms with what I had subconsciously suspected all along – I was depressed. My prolonged gaming apathy was a SYMPTOM of this depression, staring me in the face all along, another symptom I ignored. But I did not want to ignore it anymore. And, believe it or not, it was the commitment to play Dark Souls 3 that led me to this path of initiating the healing process. I’ll elaborate.

As I dove into DS3 videos and started making my way through the game, I started to formulate an interpretation of this world the game takes place in and realized it is a representation of depression. My depression. The world is dark, harsh, heavy, overwhelming, and brutal, like a depressed mind. Seeing as this world was my mind, a commitment to conquering it meant a commitment to improving myself and my mental state – as far as I was concerned, they were synonymous.

A depressed mind is usually dark because it is darkness that leads to depression, and remaining in that darkness makes it worse. It feeds on your psyche, and unless you stare it in the face or do something about it, it can engulf you. Throughout this darkness, should you continue to fight, you are rewarded with moments of respite. These moments include meeting a rare, friendly NPC in the game – someone (or something) that doesn’t want to kill you. Someone out there, fighting the same fight you are, who also appreciates a good, rare conversation & friendly face. This is similar to depression itself – every now and then, amongst the demons you battle daily in your mind, a friendly face with nothing to offer but a nice conversation or words of kindness comes to light. It’s a moment of vulnerability, a rarity in this world (and in a depressed mind), one which you earned for carrying so much most of your day.

There is another moment of respite which is so simple yet so powerful – sunlight. As you play the game, you’ll notice there isn’t much sunlight. Sure, you have moments where you play in the day, but they are not “bright’; it’s not the type that invokes the feeling of happiness when you walk outside on a nice, summer day after being inside all day. But those moments where there is bright & beautiful sunlight are some of the most memorable in the game. That is because they happen when you don’t expect it. You can be trudging through Irithyll dungeon for several hours, or in an area like Farron Keep – deadly, harsh, and dark. You fight your way through, living another day, and you stumble on a door. You slowly open that door, knowing it leads to a new area, but you are greeted with a warm welcome from the sun itself. A gorgeous landscape with a kaleidoscope of FromSoftware’s recognizable color palette mixed in with light to accentuate those colors. A short moment of respite in the light after trudging through the dark. A reward, as well as a reminder, that there is still a beautiful world for you out there, even when things seem to be dark. I found myself looking forward to these moments of peace because I found myself doing the same throughout my day-to-day routine.

As you level up your character, what you are essentially doing is leveling yourself up. Leveling up your mind and spirit. Improving at a slow but noticeable pace. Where can I improve that can help me tackle this game easier? Sure, why not strength and dexterity. I need those. Should I answer this friend’s phone call to hang out? I wouldn’t have last week, but what the hell, why not? It would be good for me. That’s progress. A slow and steady building block, both in game and in your mind.

Ok, after those essential and timeless moments, we must move on. One thing is for sure – everything you come across wants to kill you. Regular NPCs are the standard mental hurdles we face day-to-day. Some you take on, some you choose not to. Either way, they are not hurdles that STAND in your way.

Where your leveled up character (and your mental progress) get truly tested are boss battles. The big hurdles. THE hurdles of this world/depression, ones which you must conquer to move forward. These bosses are your main demons. They taunt you. You must go through so much just to get to them, but you know they are there, and they know you are coming. If you choose not to face them, then you are stuck. Stagnant. No way forward, some progress behind, but not enough to affect me. If you choose to tackle those bastards head on, then it is a one way collision – either I take them down or I fail. Either I face this demon head on, or I fail. But I will, and I must, because in my mind, failure is not a fucking option. So I fight and move forward.

As the embodiments of the demons in your mind, these bosses exist to punish you. To question yourself. To doubt yourself (and your skill). To keep you subdued to the darkness and to their will. They will push you to your absolute limit. They will try to seep that dark energy back into you by attempting to break you. “Where do you think you’re going? You think you can defeat me? What makes you think you deserve better or deserve to be happy? No – your little charade ends here, at my hands.”

The one thing that amazes me about FromSoftware’s games is giving you all the tools to succeed, even when you think you can’t. The game keeps its foot on your throat, throws a jumble of numerous things at you to win, and dares you to make it work somehow. And if you absolutely are committed to the cause – the cause of destroying everything in your wake – you will make it work. You will try swords, spears, shields, spells, projectiles, weapon buffs, and everything else available to you UNTIL YOU MAKE IT WORK. By forcing you to do this, the game makes you inadvertently discover that you, YOU, have it in you to succeed. The will. Why else would you try to figure it out? Because you have committed.

Now that you know you are committed, you are ready to shut up that first of many demons. You square up and circle around the demon. You learn the attack patterns. You get the first hit, and you realize they bleed. Suddenly, something jolts inside of you. Yes, you can do this. So you dance with that devil, learn the moves, swing the sword, block and parry timely, and die over and over. After every death is another attempt at redemption – MY redemption, my path to victory, my path to recovery. Every shot at redemption results in more depletion of that demon’s life bar. And suddenly… victory. First hurdle down. You get that sweet rush of serotonin and dopamine as a reward. That short but rare feeling of invincibility that YOU earned through your hard work, persistence, and improving yourself. One less shackle that this dark world has on you. One less shackle depression has on you.

That persistence to continue to get up after getting knocked down, over and over, until you were victorious – you know what that is? Resilience. We talk about resilience all the time, but did you know that, despite however you may feel, however down you may be, however the odds may be stacked against you, you still have that resilience inside of you? We all do. It’s what gives life to the term “the human spirit.” That resilience is a flame inside of that dark, depressed brain. Some flames are brighter than others, some flames are bigger than others, but those that are bigger and brighter also once were small and dim, like all flames in a depressed mind. To improve the size and reach of that flame, you must work on yourself. Make an attempt to improve yourself. To vanquish the darkness and evils of this world, you must continue to be bigger and brighter.

Which leads directly into your character, the “ashen one.” I realized that the ashen one is a representation of human resilience. The flame inside of you I spoke of, lit in an abyss of mental darkness – that is the ashen one. Your character is a small, insignificant being in this huge, dark world. Odds are stacked, no shot in hell. But he’s a flame, a hope, no matter how insurmountable the odds are. As your resilience grows while making the game cower before you, one area at a time, you are simultaneously making your flame brighter and bigger, until it overtakes the darkness itself. And you know what? I did that. I conquered all. And my darkness was lifted.

Finishing this game became one of my proudest and cherished moments in all of my years of enjoying this medium. If you are still reading, then you can clearly see why. I set out to play this game as a therapeutic experiment for my mental health, and it ended up evoking exactly what I was hoping it would. I am invigorated. Did I suddenly “cure” my depression? Did I stumble on some secret? No, I wouldn’t say that – but I can tell you that, deep inside, I’m in a much better and happier state than I was before I started it. Whether this ends up being my favorite game of all time or not, I am not sure yet. But I can tell you that it is the most intimate gaming experience of my lifetime, and that is because of how personal the entire experience was.

This game was personal. Conquering it was personal. Killing all of the lords of cinder was personal. Killing The Nameless King, Soul of Cinder, Sister Friede, Slave Knight Gael, Darkeater Midir – all of them – it was PERSONAL. I decided it would be, because getting better for myself and those around me was personal. And proving it to myself, by simultaneously defeating the demons in this game and in my head, was personal. And because of that, Dark Souls 3 will forever hold a special place in my heart.

I’d like to thank my good friend and brother Ains Bowden, the Editor-In-Chief of this publication, for giving me a platform to share this experience with the gaming community. He is the person that planted the Dark Souls 3 seed in my brain, and sharing the joys this game provided me with him, boss by boss, was a truly fun experience I’ll never forget.

I’d also like to thank you, the reader, for your time in reading my story. I hope that my experience inspires someone out there who is feeling down with the world against them. Demons can always be fought – it’s just a matter of figuring out which angle to take to initiate that battle against them. You have that flame inside of you – the resilience – the ashen one – to succeed. You just need to take that first step to recognizing that you need help, which is the toughest. Life is precious, and there is always something to look forward to, always something to fight for, even if it’s for yourself. Because you are worthy of having that mental peace and happiness that you long for.

Written by Mohammad Sabbagh (@Docta_Moe) for Seasoned Gaming.